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SIGNS

Signs

I stopped meditating a while ago, I’m not sure how it happened, one day I was too overwhelmed to sit still and close my eyes. I’ve been thinking about this but I stop and convince myself I’m too tired to deal with it. Two days ago I asked for a sign crying in the middle of the night…

Today I purposely put myself in a situation that made me feel angry, not upset, angry. I don’t usually feel angry, I’m quite uncomfortable with anger, but there is always someone that can trigger even our most repressed feelings.

I sat at the kitchen table, still, coffee on one hand baby on my other arm feeling waves of heat through my body. Heavy breathing. I know how to calm myself but I didn’t even try, I reassured my anger with thoughts and memories. I used to be able to watch myself in any situation, to look at the whole scene like I was someone else, unattached, completely aware, but not for the past year. I feel like someone blindfolded me and left, now I’m wandering blindly in a room full of stairs.

I wanted to distract myself and put the whole situation behind, too tired to do something about it too tired to question my actions, baby still sleeping, coffee getting cold. I opened my Instagram and check Miriam’s stories, I’ve  always enjoyed Miriam’s posts.
“Are you being intentional or reactive?” What the fuck do you mean…? of course I know what she means, I distract myself thinking I’m too tired to think about that and move on, next post, “most of us know exactly what it is that caused the pain confusion stagnation or disruption in our lives… We must muster the courage and strength to stop it”, I think I’m ready to accept that that was a sign. I get up and make more coffee, I cry, I hate crying, “the only way out is through” another one of Miriam’s quotes.  I go back to the kitchen table, sit, wipe the tears, cross my legs in lotus, baby still sleeping on my arm, close my eyes and begin to breathe, rush of heat through my body, coffee getting cold again… I open my eyes, I feel fine, baby smiles at me, coffee still warm, alright that was a sign.

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